Opportunity Only Knocks Once

So I've got this great job. I start on Monday. It's everything I've ever wanted, my field, my dream, my future. The hitch is where I'm training and just the job description. I will have to be available everyday, holidays, weekends, etc. I will have to be there at any time, 6 am- 12am. And I will have to drive an hour away from home and an hour and half away from my love. I don't see a problem with the hours and commitment. It's what I've always wanted and what I see myself doing for.. Well forever.

The company is to die for as well. Great motto, great standards, great upward movement, and great benefits. I can see me being there until I retire. I am a little nervous. This is the once in a lifetime chance and I'm afraid I'll screw it up, but I'm also confident I'll do amazing. It's weird to be at both ends of the spectrum but I am.

The problem is everyone around me. I won't be around, I need to put in time to show I'm reliable and honestly I want to be there all the time even if it has the worst co workers. I want to work; bottom line. The people I love can't seem to understand this. I love them and I will be with them as much as I can, but I need this for me.

I know it seems selfish and in fact I've been called that from time to time, but who else brings them food, takes them where ever they want, spends all I have on them? Who else carries them? They don't do it for themselves. So it seems that I see them as selfish or even cold or dare I say unloving? My love for them involves doing those things for them regardless of if I want to, spending all my time with them because I love to be around them, but this is something I desperately need. I need to have this job, to move up, to finish school, to regain my responsibilities for myself. To get back to paying for my own bills and things, to taking care of me! Once I can get back to these things I can fit the rest in if they want me, but that's the biggest worry. That they won't want me. They will give up on me is my biggest fear.

Dreaming and the rest

So I looked up what my dreams of tornadoes and monsters meant and it's all about perspective and my subconscious self wanting to come out. There's nothing to explain the violence because every time I'm being chased by the monster in my dreams there's bloody death everywhere. If it is a subconscious me am I supposed to believe I want everyone around me to be gone? In ways I wish it would come forward, I'd weed out the ones I don't want in my life even better than just the one and I'd be more who I want to be. I want to be outgoing and fun and without a care int he world. To work all week party all weekend and not give a crap about everyone else but me. But I can't I'd blocked every time by something else. Although according to some that supposedly love me best I am selfish, which may be why monster dream me is so violent.

As for new perspective. I feel like every time I realize something is telling me to gain new perspective, I do and nothing happens. I still end up pushing for everyone but m well being and I still end up being criticized for wanting to become better. As my dad would say, it's a catch-22 or damned if I do or damned if you don't, which applies to my relationship with him and the rest of family as well.

The truth is I'm just tired. I'm tired of running around all day for someone who can't say thanks or pick the bill for once. I'm tired of being called selfish, which up until I lost my job I was NEVER considered it. I'm tired of being called a failure or boring or uncaring. These people in my life don't realize how much I spend, time wise and monetarily, on them! I feel guilty for even saying these things because I know they'd all have me feel guilty. I've sacrificed jobs, money, time, school for everyone and yet I'm not good enough still.How could I ever be good enough then? I think it's time for the monster that haunts my dreams to come out. It's time to seal a job, work everyday, pamper me, get me help, and save and go back to school. It's time to say "either you're with me or you're not. You either know I love you or you truly believe I never have" Until I do I will continue getting sick, gaining weight. and just being miserable.

The first

I never know where to start. I was never good at beginnings. It's about to be 4am and I can't sleep. This happens a lot. I don't know what it is, well I do, but I don't know why I can't overcome this feeling. I know tomorrow will come no matter what, I will probably do nothing, then it will end and the next day will be the same. Being up makes me think of the past. There's so much I'd change of course... wouldn't anyone? But thinking of the past makes me panic. Tomorrow this will be the past and I will probably panic over it because it means tomorrow is now and the next day is coming and during all this... this cycle... I'm going to watch in fear as everything changes around me. People will get older, I will get older, life will go on and I will be afraid. Life scares me now. I never finish school because I don't want the next step, the life job, the moving out bits and family of my own, watching my dad get older. I can't sleep because sleeping means when I wake up it'll be one day closer to the end and I just can't deal with that. I want to drink and love and lay about, watch new shows with my dad, drive to Ocean City again on whim, and never think of tomorrow because tomorrow is the end. But I won't even do that. I will stay in my back room and hide from the days and nights until it's too late because I'm too scared.