The first

I never know where to start. I was never good at beginnings. It's about to be 4am and I can't sleep. This happens a lot. I don't know what it is, well I do, but I don't know why I can't overcome this feeling. I know tomorrow will come no matter what, I will probably do nothing, then it will end and the next day will be the same. Being up makes me think of the past. There's so much I'd change of course... wouldn't anyone? But thinking of the past makes me panic. Tomorrow this will be the past and I will probably panic over it because it means tomorrow is now and the next day is coming and during all this... this cycle... I'm going to watch in fear as everything changes around me. People will get older, I will get older, life will go on and I will be afraid. Life scares me now. I never finish school because I don't want the next step, the life job, the moving out bits and family of my own, watching my dad get older. I can't sleep because sleeping means when I wake up it'll be one day closer to the end and I just can't deal with that. I want to drink and love and lay about, watch new shows with my dad, drive to Ocean City again on whim, and never think of tomorrow because tomorrow is the end. But I won't even do that. I will stay in my back room and hide from the days and nights until it's too late because I'm too scared.