So I looked up what my dreams of tornadoes and monsters meant and it's all about perspective and my subconscious self wanting to come out. There's nothing to explain the violence because every time I'm being chased by the monster in my dreams there's bloody death everywhere. If it is a subconscious me am I supposed to believe I want everyone around me to be gone? In ways I wish it would come forward, I'd weed out the ones I don't want in my life even better than just the one and I'd be more who I want to be. I want to be outgoing and fun and without a care int he world. To work all week party all weekend and not give a crap about everyone else but me. But I can't I'd blocked every time by something else. Although according to some that supposedly love me best I am selfish, which may be why monster dream me is so violent.
As for new perspective. I feel like every time I realize something is telling me to gain new perspective, I do and nothing happens. I still end up pushing for everyone but m well being and I still end up being criticized for wanting to become better. As my dad would say, it's a catch-22 or damned if I do or damned if you don't, which applies to my relationship with him and the rest of family as well.
The truth is I'm just tired. I'm tired of running around all day for someone who can't say thanks or pick the bill for once. I'm tired of being called selfish, which up until I lost my job I was NEVER considered it. I'm tired of being called a failure or boring or uncaring. These people in my life don't realize how much I spend, time wise and monetarily, on them! I feel guilty for even saying these things because I know they'd all have me feel guilty. I've sacrificed jobs, money, time, school for everyone and yet I'm not good enough still.How could I ever be good enough then? I think it's time for the monster that haunts my dreams to come out. It's time to seal a job, work everyday, pamper me, get me help, and save and go back to school. It's time to say "either you're with me or you're not. You either know I love you or you truly believe I never have" Until I do I will continue getting sick, gaining weight. and just being miserable.
